This week on Monday the 25th we finished 1 year without our Zoey’s physical presence in this world. Yes 1 year, 365 long days , 8760 hours and god knows how many agonizing minutes and seconds since I last felt her warm cuddles or heard her beautiful voice saying “love you too mom”.
How could this happen? How could we survive without her for a whole year and more. How is it that I am still here breathing and she is not. Aren’t our children supposed to outlive us? Well these are questions that have no answers, at least that’s what I have been told so many times by my grief counsellor and loved ones. It will only make you angry, mad and bitter and I need to let go of the questions,especially the whys. Well most days I start the day trying to let go of the whys and trying to accept the reality of what truly happened. My beautiful daughter got the worst pediatric brain cancer there is and as a result of it she passed away before we could even process the diagnosis properly. How and why she got this cancer …the doctors and the pediatric oncologists have no clue. So I need to let go of that why and how. Well the question is how do you let go of someone so priceless, how do you let go of the life that you once breathed every minute of the day. If only there was a manual somewhere for all of this.
So one year. So much has changed that I truly understand the phrase “There is nothing permanent except change”. This year has seen so much….. To name a few things …the joy of a new birth in the family, a sister’s love for her new brother, the pain of watching a child die way before her time, a heart wrenching move from a house that we loved and that solely belonged to my Zoey, compassion and generosity from so many family members, relatives, acquaintances, colleagues, friends, friends of friends and sometimes total strangers. So yes this year has been monumental. Each and every day has been increasing difficult than the previous one. As we enter the second of year, it will be harder for us because we won’t have the memories of “last year” to talk about. It wouldn’t be fair to my son if I did not mention him, because as difficult as this year as been, it has been remotely bearable only because of his presence in our life. His smiles, cuddles , his milestones are all that have kept us afloat. It has kept our faith and hope alive. We see a little bit of Zoey in him everyday and that is amazing in itself.
On the anniversary of Zoey’s passing, my husband Karthik and I decided to get away for couple of days and so we did. We took our baby boy and our Zoey’s spirit with us and spent time away from home. We did receive all your emails, voicemail, texts and prayers. We sincerely thank each and every one of you that helped us during the last year and please know that we wouldn’t be here without you. A big heart-felt thank you to all of you.
Love you zozo.