Rainbow babies

Have you heard of the term rainbow baby.

A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following a pregnancy loss or the death of a child. Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

I really like the meaning.

Zoey was a rainbow baby.Zoey was born to us after 3 miscarriages and a very tough pregnancy. We thought we would lose her every step of the way, but she made it and completely changed our life. Yes cancer took away my rainbow baby. Hard to believe we had endure so much to get her, and then in 12 short weeks, it was all over. Sometimes I wonder, if I had been told the future, that my first-born would die in front of my eyes, would I still go ahead and have her? And surprisingly the answer is always a resounding YES. I’d take any time I got with her, be a minute, a day , a year or 5 years.

Anay. My darling boy. Anay isn’t rainbow baby. But he couldn’t have timed his arrival better. He arrived just 25 days before his Zo Akka passed away. It’s as if she handed her poor parents to her baby brother and left, knowing we will survive. He definitely was that much-needed rainbow, not only to Karthik and I, but to all of Zoey’s loved ones. He gave us all the reasons to get out of bed every morning during that miserable time. So yes he definitely qualifies to be that rainbow baby.

Hari, my Zoey’s Hari is a rainbow baby 🙂 . All of 9 months old, he has become such an invaluable addition to our family. He is that adoring little baby, admiring his brother’s every move, learning, processing, absorbing everything he can. When he babbles “aka aka aka”, my heart believes he is playing with his Zo Akka.
During the last 9 months, many a time, I have heard well wishers say that we will have a girl baby again. I know these people are speaking from the goodness of their heart. However today I’d like to address that sentiment.

I think most people who think this way, probably believe that having a girl again will somehow reduce the void we feel after Zoey’s passing. Or may be they think having a girl baby again will give Karthik and I an opportunity to redo things we did with Zoey. First of all let me tell you, I don’t miss having a girl, I miss my first-born child who happens to be girl. I miss the energy that is Zoey. And second of all there is no replacing Zoey. Never.

I’m thankful for Hari, who happens to look and behave like his older sister, and irrespective of gender I’m grateful to him for having chosen me as his mom. I have come to realize that the body is just the body. While we are all immortal, the body is completely perishable. I’ve experienced that first hand with my Zoey. Gender is just one characteristic of the body. It has taken me a long time for me to accept this fact and to truly surrender to what life has thrown at me. Whether I am destined to mother a girl again, I don’t know. And I definitely don’t want to know. I know that I will always be a mom of a beautiful 5-year-old girl for the rest of my life. But today my role is to be that mom to these two darling boys. And I know for sure that this is exactly what my baby girl would want from her mama.

Coming back to my baby girl, the only reason for this blog’s existence. I miss every ounce of her. It’s crazy that in spite of being as busy as I am, I feel the void constantly. To list a few things I miss doing with Zozo:

Shopping with her was a pleasure. She would accompany me everywhere and give her opinions about what looked good on me and what didn’t 🙂 yes my 4-year-old did that.

Little shopper

Little shopper

Library visits with Zoey. She had an innate interest in books. Loved the library and I took her there every chance I got.

Visits to the playground in the evenings. Yes I miss that a lot. Taking her to play outside in playground, especially in summers 🙂

Playing

Playing

Zoey-mommy night-out. I’d pick her up from daycare and head to her favorite restaurant and then some ice cream. It was so much fun and I’d look forward to it all day.

Zoey’s deep hugs. Yes when she hugged you, she literally sunk into you. How I miss that hug.

Dancing with Zoey. Zoey loved dancing. Any chance she got, she’d get up and dance. Every time I hear Adele’s “Rolling in the deep”, I picture her singing “We could have had it all”, dancing to every beat of that song.

I could just go on and on. I love u Zoey, as always, to the moon and back. By the way your little brother says it too. He says it slowly spelling each word. 🙂

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