A girl and two boys

It’s 2016 already and I haven’t written in forever. Time seems to be speeding by and I seem to get caught up in the day-to-day activities revolving around these boys. Yes this life with two active toddlers is definitely something, I wasn’t prepared for. It’s constant chaos right from the time they wake up, to their meals, to school drop offs, potty training, playtime, nap time …. one after the other all through the day. Most of time I have to remind myself to stop and enjoy the little moments of joy, hidden in between. And yes there are tons of those moments. These two boys are just what this bereaved mom probably needed to be mentally and physically busy…..

Today I am writing about something that happened over a month back. I was traveling down south for a family event at my maternal uncle’s house. I had left the boys (all three of them) back home and after much contemplation decided to go alone. I was looking forward to some quiet time, which has become a luxury these days. I arrived at the airport early to check-in, only to find my flight was cancelled. The only other flight that was going to that destination was leaving several hours later. So here I was at the airport with over 6 hours to kill … All by myself. I had wished for alone time …. Hadn’t I ?
However, being stuck at Bangalore international airport isn’t all that bad. You have free WiFi, tons of eateries and window shopping opportunities. After hanging out in the WiFi lounge for a while I decided to go and make myself comfortable at the departure gate. There were quite a few people waiting already and so it made sense to go early and get a place to sit comfortably. There I met this elderly lady who was clearly bored and was eager to have a conversation. After losing Zoey, I typically avoid random conversation. Something I stopped doing…. Just no enthusiasm to make small talk. I know that sounds snooty , but it isn’t. I just don’t have it in me anymore.
But I didn’t want to be rude to this elderly lady. We exchanged the usual “Are you from Bangalore?'” Then she asked the usual “Do you have any kids ?”. I said yes and didn’t bother to clarify further. Then she asked, “How many and how old are they?”. I was taken aback. It had been a while since anyone had asked me that question. Oh I found myself saying, “A girl and two boys. They are 8 , 3 and 1.5.” She was surprised, and complimented me on the fact that I didn’t look like a mom of three kids. As relentless as she was, she asked about their school and how they were adjusting to life in India. I again found myself saying “Oh my daughter is a doll, completely adjusted here and the boys are too young to care about where we live. They are happy anywhere we take them.”
That was that… I didn’t want to continue that conversation so got up on the pretext of charging my phone. I thought about what I had just done. When asked, I always maintain I have three kids. Most strangers leave it at that. However on that day a random stranger had gave me a glimpse of a life that would have been or rather should have been. How I wish I could see my Zoey as a bright, intelligent and confident 8-year-old. Maybe if she was here, she’d travel with me. Maybe she and I would have our girls-only trip somewhere. I’m sure she was right there smiling down on her mama fabricating these stories about her. I’m sure she accompanied me on that trip in her own special way.

I Miss her. Plain and simple. Miss her so much. Every minute of every hour, everyday I miss her. It’s like breathing …

Zoey and I in New York, for breakfast. Oct 2012

Zoey and I in New York, for breakfast. Oct 2012

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8 thoughts on “A girl and two boys

  1. Suman, this is so beautiful. It’s okay to make such stories. The truth is you did give birth to a girl and 2 boys!

    Every time I see you on Facebook, I think of Zoey. I just lost my mother in law, almost 2 years now, but feels like yesterday. I have never been confronted with this pain before. I have lost grandparents, but I wasn’t so close to anyone. Like any daughter in law I had my differences with my mother in law, but the pain of missing her today is bigger than anything. There is nothing in life that is more important to me today than a relationship. I miss her and cannot do anything about it!

    I cannot imagine what you go through everyday! My pain is nothing in comparison to yours. But I miss my mother in law and sometimes, I still think to myself that she is still there in India and I am here in Chicago. It just feels that everything is the way it should have been!

  2. Suman I think you were very brave in answering the old lady. I find it hard to imagine my daughter Órla as a nearly 12 year old (she passed 2 months before her 10th birthday) but I admire that you can. You told no lies you HAVE 3 beautiful children. I have one other daughter who is now nearly 21 whose name is Zoëy.

  3. Suman , yes you have three children , a beautiful Daughter and two naughty boys. Zoey is not there physically with us but forever in our thoughts and she grows up in our thoughts . My prayer to God every day is to get her back and fill the emptiness that each one of us are witnessing …you being the Mother the most .

  4. Hello Mom of Zoey,
    On this saterday morning, from The Netherlands, I have been reading your posts… They touch me. I can just feel your love for Zoey. Who knows one day i will be writing similar stories about my daughter Saphir.. still fighting her dipg ..as she is still laying in her bed this morning… Who knows, one day… she will be playing up there , together with Zoey..silly angel games… Who knows..one day..we will be together again with all those we have lost… Would that not be ..such a nice thought..

  5. Hi Suman

    I have been reading your posts since few months now. I don’t know how I stumbled into your profile, may be while looking at one of the many DIPG kids pages. I am a mother of a healthy 2 year old and she is a piece of my heart. I observe and cherish every single moment I get to spend with her, thinking how blessed I am to have her in my life. When I read your articles, the way you describe your Zoey, I completely visualize myself … We mothers, love our kids limitless… Words are not enough to describe them. 🙂 Everytime I ready your articles I have tears rolling down, I can really feel the love, the pain, the anger and the containment of the blessed 5 years you had with your baby girl. My daughter is a rainbow baby, had a miscarriage before her, and that has probably made me all the more worried if anything small happens to her…. It gives me chills and makes me sick in my stomach of the possibilities of things that could go wrong…
    Keep writing about your Zoey, you both are always in my thoughts. God bless…

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