It’s 2016 already and I haven’t written in forever. Time seems to be speeding by and I seem to get caught up in the day-to-day activities revolving around these boys. Yes this life with two active toddlers is definitely something, I wasn’t prepared for. It’s constant chaos right from the time they wake up, to their meals, to school drop offs, potty training, playtime, nap time …. one after the other all through the day. Most of time I have to remind myself to stop and enjoy the little moments of joy, hidden in between. And yes there are tons of those moments. These two boys are just what this bereaved mom probably needed to be mentally and physically busy…..
Today I am writing about something that happened over a month back. I was traveling down south for a family event at my maternal uncle’s house. I had left the boys (all three of them) back home and after much contemplation decided to go alone. I was looking forward to some quiet time, which has become a luxury these days. I arrived at the airport early to check-in, only to find my flight was cancelled. The only other flight that was going to that destination was leaving several hours later. So here I was at the airport with over 6 hours to kill … All by myself. I had wished for alone time …. Hadn’t I ?
However, being stuck at Bangalore international airport isn’t all that bad. You have free WiFi, tons of eateries and window shopping opportunities. After hanging out in the WiFi lounge for a while I decided to go and make myself comfortable at the departure gate. There were quite a few people waiting already and so it made sense to go early and get a place to sit comfortably. There I met this elderly lady who was clearly bored and was eager to have a conversation. After losing Zoey, I typically avoid random conversation. Something I stopped doing…. Just no enthusiasm to make small talk. I know that sounds snooty , but it isn’t. I just don’t have it in me anymore.
But I didn’t want to be rude to this elderly lady. We exchanged the usual “Are you from Bangalore?'” Then she asked the usual “Do you have any kids ?”. I said yes and didn’t bother to clarify further. Then she asked, “How many and how old are they?”. I was taken aback. It had been a while since anyone had asked me that question. Oh I found myself saying, “A girl and two boys. They are 8 , 3 and 1.5.” She was surprised, and complimented me on the fact that I didn’t look like a mom of three kids. As relentless as she was, she asked about their school and how they were adjusting to life in India. I again found myself saying “Oh my daughter is a doll, completely adjusted here and the boys are too young to care about where we live. They are happy anywhere we take them.”
That was that… I didn’t want to continue that conversation so got up on the pretext of charging my phone. I thought about what I had just done. When asked, I always maintain I have three kids. Most strangers leave it at that. However on that day a random stranger had gave me a glimpse of a life that would have been or rather should have been. How I wish I could see my Zoey as a bright, intelligent and confident 8-year-old. Maybe if she was here, she’d travel with me. Maybe she and I would have our girls-only trip somewhere. I’m sure she was right there smiling down on her mama fabricating these stories about her. I’m sure she accompanied me on that trip in her own special way.
I Miss her. Plain and simple. Miss her so much. Every minute of every hour, everyday I miss her. It’s like breathing …