Zoey’s mom

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I’ve been meaning to but life and its mundane changes get in the way, I guess. So much has happened since my last post.

After spending a year and a half in India we decided to move back to the U.S. It’s some thing I had foreseen happen in a few years, but looks like it’s happened sooner than we expected. No, we didn’t move back because we couldn’t adjust to life and it’s day-to-day challenges that one typically faces in India. For us it was quite smooth sailing, and we truly made the most of being so close to our immediate family. However due to some personal and professional reasons we felt it wasn’t time to make Bangalore our permanent home. So c’est la vie (that’s life ) and we returned back to the U.S.

We are still settling in and this time around it is taking a bit longer due to these toddlers. But it’s all fine because we are in it together and we feel blessed to have this level of flexibility in our lives.
The other day the boys seemed to get over their jet lag and were inching to go outside. So we decided to drive my new car to a temple close by. This is one place Karthik and I haven’t visited since Zoey’s passing. The last time we were there, Zoey was a happy 5-year-old and Anay was still safe in my tummy. I remember my girl, with a big grin on her face, crossed but twinkling eyes praying with everything she had, for the boo-boo in her brain to disappear. So you can imagine it was quite emotional and a bit overwhelming for her dad and I to walk into the temple with these two boys…..without Zoey’s physical presence by our side. Inside these two were super excited for some reason. The little one shouted out “ba-na-na” every time he saw one and older one was just happy and giggling away loudly. We got to usual “they are so cute”, “are they twins ? “. People were seeing us as a family of four. I was feeling a bit low that I couldn’t show them my first-born, my beautiful baby girl who would have turned 9 this June. They would never know of my Zoey. We finished visiting and when we were about to leave, a sweet lady came up to me and asked me “Are you Zoey’s mom? “. For a second I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say a word. She went on to explain that she follows this blog and is a huge fan of my Zoey. Oh the pride and genuine happiness I felt hearing those words ! That was my baby girl showing us she was right there with us all along. She was playing with her brothers inside and wanted to ensure we knew that she was there. Yes Zoey, I will always be your mom. No matter how much time passes by, I will always be Zoey’s mom first.
And to the kind person who met me that day, if you are reading this, I thank you with all my heart for the immense joy you gave this bereaved mom. There are no words to express my gratitude.

Zoey Zoey Zoey….. my first-born baby girl, I seem to miss and long for you more each day. I feel the void you left behind every second of the day. Yes, I remain thankful for your beautiful siblings and I truly feel blessed to have them in my life. I remind myself to enjoy them and their innocence because if I am lucky I will see them grow out of this age soon. Everything is short-lived and you taught me to make the most of what life throws at us. I’m going to end this blog-post with a saying you learned in pre-school and that you often repeated at home “You get what you get, you don’t get upset”. Yes baby girl, I got you for those five-and-a-half short, but beautiful years, and I hope to someday see you and be with you forever and ever. Till then I continue my journey here on earth, as your mom. As Zoey’s mom.
Love you forever …