4 years

Letter from Zoey’s dad to all her loved ones, on the 4th anniversary of her passing.

November 25th marked four years since Zoey’s passing and we have now spent over 70% of her life without her, and yet the separation seems so insignificant compared to the enormity of the five and a half years we got with her. While that amount of time may seem like a small number, we got a lifetime’s worth of memories from them. What else can one ask for? 5.5 years with the love of my life, a boatload of memories, a vision of her blowing fish kisses at me when I close my eyes and when my head is quiet enough, her voice in my ear saying “love you dada”…can’t ask God for much more.

Suman and I leave town each year on Zoey’s anniversary just because we know we’d sit around moping if we stayed at home. Arguably there’s nothing markedly different about the day besides being symbolic on the calendar…every single day since that day four years ago has been a day without her physical presence. This year Suman and I took the boys to Disney World. Zoey was four when we brought her here and Anay is the exact same age. Two high-energy boys are definitely very different companions than a petite well-behaved girl. Anay is Mickey obsessed and spent the trip convincing his father that the best way to get him to behave himself was to buy him Mickey-faced toys. Hari on the hand has a simple philosophy when it comes to these things, if you buy something for my brother you better do the same for me as well or else everyone will both hear and feel my presence.

One expects Disney World to be filled with excited kids and their parents trying to soak in all that as Disney’s aptly puts it, the “happiest place on earth” has to offer. We did see tons of those folks. There was also this other set of folks that I noticed on this trip that quite frankly made this trip more real for me. Kids being wheeled around with chemotherapy ports sticking out of their bodies for what may have been their last “fun” trip prior to their final journey. A family wheeling around a very tired looking child on a wheelchair wearing T-shirts that said “Make a Wish Foundation – Illinois”, trying to smile and look energized while understanding that the foundation only supported the final wishes of terminal kids. Other families with kids that had seemingly severe physical and mental disabilities completely focused on acting normal with their kids while looking around at other kids and wishing their kids had a different kind of “normal”. A man, maybe a cleric, wearing a T-shirt that said, “God is my boss”. Seeing these folks just reinforced for me how a place like Disney World is no different from any other place in this world where the dualities of life (happiness-sorrow, life-death, etc.) stare us in the face…whether we choose to see them or not rests with us.

The last time we went to Disney, I had a beautiful wife and daughter, a thriving career and no financial worries…materialism and selfishness were at their finest. Childhood cancer was something that happened to someone else’s family. My relationship with God was transactional…since things were going pretty good…God was good. Praying to God was invariably about asking for something. Does this sound familiar? Isn’t this how most of us live our lives? Is faith in God based on how well we feel we are being treated and how well life is going, or is it something deeper?

Here’s how I see faith now…faith equals acceptance. Accepting that the dualities of life are a blessing is faith. Accepting that I always get what I deserve as against what I desire is faith. Accepting that what I get is the right thing for me every single time is faith. Accepting that heaven and hell are states or mind and that heaven rests within me and in my state of mind is faith. Acceptance that I can choose to be satisfied with what I have without constantly wanting something more is faith. Accepting that while Zoey’s time with us was shorter than anticipated, her death was much of a blessing as her life is faith. Accepting that God is always just irrespective of what is thrown my way is faith. For all the T-shirts with messages that I saw at Disney, the one that stood out for me said this – “Thankful & Grateful”.

Thank you for everything you’ve done for Suman and me over these last four years.
Zoey’s dad.

Princess Zoey at Disney in 2011

Princess Zoey at Disney in 2011

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8 thoughts on “4 years

  1. Your daughter was an angel. I didn’t have the courage to read your entire post. What you and your family went through and are still going through cannot be described in words. I can only pray to God that somehow you find solace in memories you guys were able to spend together. It’s really a shame that childhood cancer does not get the adequate research funding that it deserves as it is termed as rarest of rare. Please stay strong.

  2. We just came back from a trip from Disney world. I noticed a few families with the make a wish badges too.
    The message of acceptance and gratitude resonated with me. Just very hard to carry out.

  3. So profound. Have been following all of Suman and your blogs. Without knowing you all I feel I am connected with Zoey. She is our angel..must be so proud of her parents watching you all with her Krishna! Stay strong..God bless you all!

  4. Its so deep and so simple at the same time – your words.. the eternal truth.. its all there is but its os hard to learn the lessons to get to understand it.. Thanks for sharing this.. remember that we ll all meet in heaven, and it will be like you havent left her at all…

  5. Beautiful. I am more than humbled with the level of maturity and grace that both of you have. No words to express what I feel. All I can say is Love to Zoey, Anay and Hari and God Bless your family!

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