The Monologue

This morning while I was getting these boys ready for school I overheard my 4-year-old’s monologue (with himself). He does that often and it will typically be about something completely random like his Mickey Mouse or the PJ masks or he will pretend he is reading from one of his favorite books. It’s a form of pretend-play, it’s adorable and I typically listen in to amuse myself. If I interrupt he stops and gives me that “Come on Amma” look. So this morning when I heard him talk to himself, I didn’t give it any attention. It went on for a few minutes but as I was loading his brother into the car it got interesting. Details penned below:

Where is she? Is she in the washing machine ? No
Is she in the kitchen ? No
Is she in play area? No
Is she in this car going to school ?No
Is she in the swami room. Where is that cute little girl ? ( yes he actually said cute little girl)

By now my curiosity had piqued. I was in front of him buckling him in his car seat and I couldn’t resist, I asked:
“Where is who Anay ?”. He answered “Zoey Akka ….Amma.”

I responded “Where do you think she is ?”

He answered: “She is that picture hanging on the wall. She is in the swami (prayer) room upstairs. She is with Appa, Amma, Anay and Hari in the new house ( our current residence. These kids still refer to it as the new house). And she is also in the that other house that I was born in … that Appa took me to show ….” ( We had taken a drive to our Zoey’s hood last weekend. Anay’s Appa insisted we showed the boys our Zoey’s house ( from outside) and the hospital at which these two were born ).

As he finished telling me ALL that I was in tears but I was smiling ear to ear. My darling boy knew where his Akka was. He was smiling back looking straight into my tear-filled eyes … like he knew everything. And then in a second he got distracted and said with a naughty smile “Amma no school today ….” .

Just like that, out of the blue, he asked those questions. His simple and innocent mind answered with the truth. The truth that Zoey Akka is everywhere her loved ones are…. that Zoey resides in our hearts and continues to be such a strong driving force in our lives. I have no doubt his sister was right there listening in as well….I have no doubt she is guiding him in her own way. Oh how I wish I could see her and feel her just like these kids do. How I wish I had the purity of thought these kids have. How I wish I never had to grow up ….How I wish she never left……..

Love you Zoey….Miss you Zoey ….
As always your mom.

Anay and Hari

Her brothers


Carefree Zoey

Carefree Zoey

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13 thoughts on “The Monologue

  1. Wonderful feeling, About dear little Zoey Akka!
    Truth is universal and Children are God by themselves, Suman You are a very good Amma to all the threes grand kids of our family.
    Keep doing the Karma leave the rest to GOD, real God is within us to guide us.
    Daddy

  2. Suman, I have seen a few videos of Zoey. She is such a bright and energetic girl giving anyone who sees her immediate joy. She has so much love to give and continues to give to her brothers indirectly. I am sure one day you will be able to feel her the same way her brothers do as nothing is more pure than Love and you have abundance of it.

  3. Your oldest she has that look. The first born look of calmness and maturity just way she sits in that chair with the book. The fact that your son talks about her so much shows that you have been successful in keeping her alive in your home because a child has internalized that feeling. Additionally it is my strong belief that children can see beyond the realms of physical world and i bet her sees her when he says he does. I think adults loose that capacity because we loose innocence and become jaded with time. Thank you for sharing this post.

    • Yes Gayathri. She was calm, intelligent and so profound … way beyond her years. But still that had childish charm and childish immaturity. Yes young children are believed to have no veils and they can perceive things that we can only imagine. Thank you for reading about my llove.
      Susuman

  4. Suman,

    I stumbled on your blog after I started reading about DIPG after Anya’s passing away. I loved getting to know Zoey and I plan to read every post about her. She is such a wonderful little girl. A delight to know. I hear your pain and grief. I can only barely imagine what it must be to go through life with a part of you heart taken away forever and yet have to live your life for the 2 little ones you have and not just stay alive, but be worthy parents and give them a childhood and life they deserve. I’m touched and inspired by the strength you both have found in faith. Much love and hugs your way. Zoey continues to live and inspire in your writings and I’m loving getting to know her.

    • Thank you for taking the time to read about my baby girl. It means the world to us that she is still being thought of … almost 4.5 years later.
      Thank you
      Zoey’s mom

  5. Suman, Zoey is around us every day , every moment . We can not perceive things that are not physical but our soul can connect . She is prefect Akka for all her younger siblings Anay , Hari , Vedu . She is prefect Thangi for Anusha . She is a perfect grand Daughter, most loving Niece and the most loving daughter that you have. We are blessed to have her soul with us .

  6. Love you always Zoey .Miss you …I am thankful to Suman for her thoughts which help us in sharing the grief and live with Faith ..

  7. Hello, I don’t know you or your family
    but I’m reading your stories and getting to know you by them. God is Good, God
    Is Love And He Is With you and shows himself thru your loving boys and your loving Zoey
    She will forever live in your heart..❤️

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