Ab to forever

Ab to forever – One song infinite memories

This is about a song from a random Bollywood Hindi movie. It happens to be a dance number and there is absolutely nothing profound or meaningful about its lyrics or music. The title of the song “Ab to forever” means “now till the end of time”.

YouTube link to the song: https://youtu.be/uOcNutyyy20

My initial memories of this song, are of a young dad and his first-born baby girl. This movie was released in 2007, around the time our Zoey was born. I am also reminded of another beautiful number titled “Hey Shona” ( from the same movie), that Zoey’s dad sang while rocking his new-born to sleep. “Ab to forever” was introduced to her much later, probably when she was around 2 years old. I can still visualize Zoey’s dad playing it for her on his laptop while she danced away without any inhibitions, moving every inch of her tiny body. Such a fond memory this is. If only I could go back in time and record it ……

The next distinct memory I have, is of a mother and her daughter sitting on the family room couch. It is September 2012 and their perfect world has been turned upside down. The little girl has terminal brain cancer and the mom is on bed-rest trying to keep a life safe, inside of her. Both have limited mobility. One is by choice, to avoid pre-term labor and the other is restricted by the monster growing in her brain. But both have one thing in common, undying love for each other. In this memory of mine Zoey and I don’t dance. We sit on the couch and move our arms in unison while we replace the words of the chorus by the words “Bring it on, Bring it on, bring down you boo-boo”.
We had so much hope back then, that the boo-boo couldn’t harm our Zoey. How could our Zoey die just like that ? No that wasn’t something that happened to regular people like us. How wrong we were.

Zoey and I

Fast forward 9 weeks into November 2012. In this memory a mother is holding on tightly to her baby girl. The little girl can’t dance on her own due to the aggressive nature of her cancer but the her mom can. In this memory, I hold on to my life, my Zoey, and dance away with silent tears flowing down my face. If I stop dancing Zoey doesn’t like it and she reprimands me. She wants me to hug her and dance forever …..probably just like the song, till the end of time.

Zoey on me after dancing to Ab to forever

The next memory I have is of November 22nd 2012, three days before she took her last breath. Zoey is sitting in the center of our king sized bed. She is surrounded by all her loved ones. Her paternal grandparents, her maternal grandparents, her aunt, her uncle and her unfortunate parents. Her new-born brother is sleeping soundly in the adjacent room. This song is being played over and over till she is tired of it. Zoey is still able to move her body, while sitting up by herself on the bed. (which is a miracle in itself). Zoey finds that her Domi (my mom) is unable to sing (due to tears) and she demands “Domi is not singing. Sing Domi sing!”. And all the adults sing like they have never sung before. We are swaying to the music and smiling while completely being aware of the futility of our actions. No amount of dancing, praying, bargaining or begging is going to save our daughter. We are merely going through the motions just to keep our Zoey happy.
I am so grateful to her dad and her uncle, who actually recorded this memory of mine. I have watched the video several times in the past 4.5 years, and every single time, I am in complete awe of my spirited baby girl.

Zoey in that last week

These days Zoey’s little brothers and I listen to this song sometimes while having breakfast. We typically have some music playing as the boys pick on their breakfast. The boys recognize it as their beloved Akka’s song. As I persuade them to eat yet another bite, I realize that I am making new memories…… in the background plays “Ab to forever”.

And yes, my dear Zoey, I get it completely. Our love for each other is exactly that …….it will last from now till the end of time.
Your loving mom


7 thoughts on “Ab to forever

  1. I had a hard time reading this because of tears that kept blurring my vision. Thank you for sharing and continuing to keep her memory alive through this post and in your little boy’s lives.

  2. Dear my Daughter Suman, You made me to re-live those moments we spent with Zoey and You her loving mother, but with tears gushing out continuously. A perfect REWIND, my Dear!
    Dommi kept on crying……..
    You, very nicely make the foregone days not to disappear; and Thanks.

  3. Hi I am also unfortunate mother like u i also lost my younger son on 13th june2017
    his age is 14 1/2 years he is in 10th class .i don’t know how to cope up it happens in hours till know i am not understanding what happened my sis follows u and she suggested to read your blog please suggest me how to move on life

    • Hi Prasanna
      I am so sorry that you too have your lost your darling child. May I ask when did it happen? What was his name ? This is by far the hardest thing any parent has to go through. It took me forever to get to this state where I can be at somewhat peace with what happened to my child,
      I would love to write an personal reply to you if you don’t mind, is there an email if I could get from you ?
      Thinking of you and hoping to write to you personally.
      Zoey’ unfortunate mom

  4. Dear zoeys Mom …
    Read your blog and its hearbreaking to read it. However, you are not unfortunate since she choose you to be her Mom. My heart says one way or the other she will return to you someday.
    Lots of love ..and wishes always

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