It’s that wonderful time of the year again. Time seems to just fly by at this speed that I sometimes cannot even comprehend. This was our 6th Christmas without our darling Zoey. How could that even be possible ? This life that I currently seem to be living is so alien to me … I wonder…. is that even me in there ?
6 years ago in 2011, I woke up on a Christmas morning to my girl rushing down the stairs to find her all her gifts underneath the Christmas tree. A year later I woke up, hoping that my life was a nightmare that I would somehow snap out of ….. She had been gone for exactly a month ….yes can you imagine what a Christmas morning that was ?. I still remember that time vividly. I used to wake up most mornings thinking it was all a frightening nightmare. I’d put my hand out to stroke her soft hair assuming she was sleeping by my side , only to find her darling little brother nestled close to me. Yes her brother was the only reason I got out of bed those days. Fast forward 5 years to this Christmas morning, I woke up to Zoey’s little brothers, who probably didn’t sleep a wink all night due to all the excitement of Christmas. We left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve, we even had reindeer food for Rudolf. And boy or boy did they love their new toys. It was pure joy to watch them open their gifts and feel that excitement you can only experience as a child. But every happy moment I ( and Karthik ) felt was tinged with this sadness of knowing that our family will never ever be complete. Because one of its main members permanently lives on moon. That is one of the reasons posing for family pictures and sharing them is particularly hard for me. I feel what’s the point. It’s never going to have all my children in it. How do I show the world this gorgeous first-born child of mine? Even if I photoshop her in, is it really the same as having her physically live with me as my child. No it will never be. Yes I understand, she had her journey and I have mine. But knowing that doesn’t help when you are out there holding back your tears because your heart wants what your heart wants. The longing never ceases …. you just get used to living with it. And holidays and festivities do make it worse. Because it’s a constant reminder of what once was in the past and of what will never be in the future.
Sigh! I really sound like downer especially during this season of joy and cheer. And I apologize since that isn’t my intention. However I do think grief needs to be expressed and accepted as a norm. Because ive come to realize that grief is just another form of love. Without love there wouldn’t be grief. So it needs to be given a place along with all the happiness and joy we feel.
Anyway coming back to this current reality of mine. Given the circumstances we had a really good holiday weekend. We are blessed with good friends whom we met over the weekend and today we took our boys to one of Zoey and her Dada’s favorite places : Camden aquarium. The boys had a blast watching the various kind of fish , turtles , sharks and even got to touch a few sting-rays. We came back home after spending much of the day at the aquarium and then later cuddled up together to watch the movie “Finding Dory”. The boys played with each other without us having to intervene and resolve their sibling fights. Actually that means without me having to yell and scream at them. So net net it was a beautiful Christmas! And while I don’t know what Christmas 2018 holds for us, today I choose to be thankful for what we have …….as that’s exactly what my baby girl would do.
Zoey my darling , my love and my one and only one….love you to the moon and back!