May 2018

It’s been almost 6 months since my last blog post. I’ve been meaning to write and I thought about it almost every day, but something or the other got in the way. Several excuses …. changes in the work front, family visiting from India, day-to-day activities for the boys… . they are just that ”excuses”. I have been feeling very guilty all along for not being able to carve out the time for my little girl. Like I let her down somehow. Like I made other things more important in this mundane life of mine. So here I am again. It’s May 2018. Anay is five and a half and hari will be four this month. A part of me feels that time is flying by way to fast, and the other part of me …the one waiting to go be with her, feels like it’s crawling at a snail’s pace. How could it only 5.5 years since I heard her beautiful voice, or felt her warm hugs, or felt her silky hair…… the list could go on forever. It feels like an entire lifetime has gone by….

That being said, this week was very bittersweet. I had to go to my older boy’s kindergarten orientation … and I was right back there with Zoey in May of 2012 ( for her kindergarten orientation). I relived that day all over again and it brought back some not-so-happy memories. See as parents we try our best to do what’s right for our kids. Sometimes we may have moments that we aren’t proud of….. I remembered one such moment with my Zoey. Zoey was excited about starting kindergarten. She loved the prospect of going to her “big girl” school and accompanied me happily. However she seemed a bit upset when it was over. I was in a hurry to head back home. (Aren’t we all in a hurry all the time?) She refused to follow me to the car and then insisted that she be lifted in my arms. I was four months pregnant with her brother on modified bed-rest and so coul dn’t accommodate her request. The sad part is that I don’t remember sitting down with her to understand why she was upset. Maybe she was tired after a long day. Maybe she was just being a headstrong 4-year-old. Unfortunately I only remember being really annoyed with her.

So I took my boy to his orientation this week. He loves his current school and the idea of going to some new school isn’t appealing to him. So after a lot of persuasion he accompanied me reluctantly. Every attempt of mine to cheer him up and try to get him excited about his new school was met with his obvious refusal to even consider the place. A few friends from his current school were there as well. I asked him to join them to which he flat-out refused. He sat there, next to me, holding my hand, observing everyone around him. As I sat next to him , I was reminded again of my girl. I was reminded of the lesson she taught me. I know first hand … how brittle everything is ….what is there here today may not even exist tomorrow. And that it’s OK if he doesn’t like this school. He is here with me now and that’s all that matters. I made sure he knew I will always be with him in case he was worried about being left alone there. I told him multiple times that he would be just fine. Finally after the first 15 mins, he did overcome his initial anxiety and even enjoyed the activities with his new teacher. He absolutely loved the bus ride they offered at the end of the session. “Amma I like this school. I’ll go here in September” were his words. Music to my ears. Bittersweet nevertheless.
Yes my dear Anay, if I’m am lucky enough and if it is destined to happen we will see you go to this school. Something your dad and I couldn’t experience with your dear sister. We had taken that moment for granted, and it was brutally snatched away from us before we could even realize it’s gone. ….

As I write here I’m in tears. My little boy is awake ( it’s early in the morning ) and he sees me cry. He innocently asks me if I miss Zoey. ( It is a universal truth in this household. Anyone crying must be crying because they miss Zoey). I say yes and then my wise little boy climbs out of his bed, and says with huge smile on his face “Don’t cry Amma. Remember grown-ups come back.” ( From Daniel Tiger “grown ups come back” song). He gives me tight loving hug and smothers me with his kisses. And just like that ……he manages to keep it all real for this bereaved mom.

My dearest Zoey, I miss you, think of you and love you every second of the day. And that’s OK. It’s OK to feel this unending grief because it’s means our love for each other is infinite as well. As usual love you to the moon and back baby girl !

A few pics of us with our baby girl….

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