9 years later

It’s time for my annual ode to my little girl and this year the intersection of Zoey’s anniversary and Thanksgiving feels especially meaningful and purposeful. It feels like my Zoey wants me to intentionally reflect on all the reasons to be thankful today as against focusing on the fact that it has now been 9 years since her passing. I’m going to get to the thankful part in just a bit…want to start with my girl though…and yes, she’ll always be my girl. Whenever I hear The Temptations and their rendition of My Girl (used to sing it to her), I always feel like it’s Zoey whispering in my ear that she’ll always be just that…my girl. It’s 9 years today since her passing and while it sounds like a long time, it really feels like only yesterday. There isn’t a day that goes by when she doesn’t completely envelop me with her presence. We have our signs and right from the moment I leave for work early in the morning, I can feel her presence around me. That’s the beauty of losing someone you love so much…they’re never really lost. They’re always there when you want to feel them or need them the most…you just need to quieten your mind and experience them. 

Now getting to the thankful part. I’m enormously grateful for Suman, the strength of our marriage, and our shared history. My littlest, Hari, is my little philosopher and guide. He is an old soul and his presence in my life constantly reinforces in me a desire to be a father worthy of a child like him. Zoey is and will always be the love of my life and I’m grateful for her constant presence around me. She, like Hari also ensures I consistently aim to hold myself to a standard worthy of her and I’m immensely grateful to her and Hari for that. My strongest feeling of gratitude however is reserved for my older son, Anay. He was born a little over 3 weeks before Zoey passed. In her mind, she saw his arrival as a passing of the baton. When he arrived, she said that he was the one who was going to take her boo-boo away. When Zoey passed, Suman and I grieved very differently. The pain of losing Zoey was unbearable and our relationship could have faltered in the midst of that loss. That never happened though and catering to the needs of our little baby Anay kept us focused and afloat as a family. Anay was and will always be our savior. He is smart, bull-headed, and very loving, and right after Zoey’s passing he kept us together as a family. In a sense Zoey did pass the baton. She ensured that through Anay we would be reminded of a force and emotion that is far greater than any feeling of loss or despair – the feeling of love.

Want to take just a moment to reflect on love. The world right now feels so beaten up and filled with anger and deep polarization across a multitude of topics, with vaccines, politics and religion as the leading drivers. What are we doing? One would have thought a global pandemic would have brought us together and created more oneness than ever before, yet we’ve continued to focus on the things that divide us versus the forces that bind us. On Zoey’s 9^th anniversary, my hope though naïve is this…the world will continue to evolve towards being a place where we can feel comfortable watching our kids grow up. A place where love trumps hate and anger. A place where I would have loved to watch Zoey grow up.

I’d like to wrap up by being thankful for our family and friends. You have been our rock and ensured that we can carry Zoey in our hearts and with a smile on our faces. To Zoey’s brothers…your Zoey akka is always playing with you and loves the little men you’re turning into. I hope you read all these blogs some day and realize how incredibly blessed Suman and I are that you chose us as your parents. To Zoey’s mom…your Zoey has got to be so incredibly proud of you. I know how difficult these years have been for you and yet you have ensured that these boys lack for nothing, and have the kind of childhood that you would have wanted Zoey to have. And finally, to Zoey…love you to the moon and back my little girl. Can you feel someone around you all the time and yet miss them all the time as well? The answer is yes, because that’s exactly what I feel about you. Thank you for the privilege of calling myself Zoey’s dad, because that will always be the most significant title in my life. Love you Zo!

Always,

Zoey’s Dad

love you Zozo