9 years later

It’s time for my annual ode to my little girl and this year the intersection of Zoey’s anniversary and Thanksgiving feels especially meaningful and purposeful. It feels like my Zoey wants me to intentionally reflect on all the reasons to be thankful today as against focusing on the fact that it has now been 9 years since her passing. I’m going to get to the thankful part in just a bit…want to start with my girl though…and yes, she’ll always be my girl. Whenever I hear The Temptations and their rendition of My Girl (used to sing it to her), I always feel like it’s Zoey whispering in my ear that she’ll always be just that…my girl. It’s 9 years today since her passing and while it sounds like a long time, it really feels like only yesterday. There isn’t a day that goes by when she doesn’t completely envelop me with her presence. We have our signs and right from the moment I leave for work early in the morning, I can feel her presence around me. That’s the beauty of losing someone you love so much…they’re never really lost. They’re always there when you want to feel them or need them the most…you just need to quieten your mind and experience them. 

Now getting to the thankful part. I’m enormously grateful for Suman, the strength of our marriage, and our shared history. My littlest, Hari, is my little philosopher and guide. He is an old soul and his presence in my life constantly reinforces in me a desire to be a father worthy of a child like him. Zoey is and will always be the love of my life and I’m grateful for her constant presence around me. She, like Hari also ensures I consistently aim to hold myself to a standard worthy of her and I’m immensely grateful to her and Hari for that. My strongest feeling of gratitude however is reserved for my older son, Anay. He was born a little over 3 weeks before Zoey passed. In her mind, she saw his arrival as a passing of the baton. When he arrived, she said that he was the one who was going to take her boo-boo away. When Zoey passed, Suman and I grieved very differently. The pain of losing Zoey was unbearable and our relationship could have faltered in the midst of that loss. That never happened though and catering to the needs of our little baby Anay kept us focused and afloat as a family. Anay was and will always be our savior. He is smart, bull-headed, and very loving, and right after Zoey’s passing he kept us together as a family. In a sense Zoey did pass the baton. She ensured that through Anay we would be reminded of a force and emotion that is far greater than any feeling of loss or despair – the feeling of love.

Want to take just a moment to reflect on love. The world right now feels so beaten up and filled with anger and deep polarization across a multitude of topics, with vaccines, politics and religion as the leading drivers. What are we doing? One would have thought a global pandemic would have brought us together and created more oneness than ever before, yet we’ve continued to focus on the things that divide us versus the forces that bind us. On Zoey’s 9^th anniversary, my hope though naïve is this…the world will continue to evolve towards being a place where we can feel comfortable watching our kids grow up. A place where love trumps hate and anger. A place where I would have loved to watch Zoey grow up.

I’d like to wrap up by being thankful for our family and friends. You have been our rock and ensured that we can carry Zoey in our hearts and with a smile on our faces. To Zoey’s brothers…your Zoey akka is always playing with you and loves the little men you’re turning into. I hope you read all these blogs some day and realize how incredibly blessed Suman and I are that you chose us as your parents. To Zoey’s mom…your Zoey has got to be so incredibly proud of you. I know how difficult these years have been for you and yet you have ensured that these boys lack for nothing, and have the kind of childhood that you would have wanted Zoey to have. And finally, to Zoey…love you to the moon and back my little girl. Can you feel someone around you all the time and yet miss them all the time as well? The answer is yes, because that’s exactly what I feel about you. Thank you for the privilege of calling myself Zoey’s dad, because that will always be the most significant title in my life. Love you Zo!

Always,

Zoey’s Dad

love you Zozo

14 years

Happy birthday my dearest Zoey. Today you are all of 14. Were you alive, you would have been in the first year of high school. Frankly,  I am not sure how to imagine you as a teen. For me you will always remain  that kind and spirited 5-year-old. And I will not go down the slippery slope of what would have been or what could have been. Because it is pointless and it only  adds to my heartache and longing. And today is day to celebrate you and not sulk around with the  “what If’s”.

I just realized it’s been exactly a year since I wrote here. What a year it has been! With the coronavirus pandemic affecting the world, millions of lives being lost and all the  grief and sadness that results from losing so many lives … Sigh ! It has been a tough year.  However, while the last year tested our resilience, it  was not all bad. We saw the scientific community come together and develop multiple vaccines against this deadly virus in a matter of months! Hats off to all the researchers, scientists  and lab technicians that worked so relentlessly to make this happen. I often  wonder would there be a treatment for DIPG had it affected more children. Is it all a number game? I understand 500 kids in a year isn’t a lot , but multiply  that by 50 plus years. Kids have been  dying of this horrendous cancer for years, and yet not much progress has been made. 

On a  personal front, the last year has been extremely busy and blessed. Work from home, virtual school, extra curricular activities for your brothers and everything else in between, definitely keeps me on my toes. Your brothers are growing up too fast. Hari recently turned 7 and Anay is 8 and 1/2. They just completed their spring  soccer season and are learning to play the piano. They both are naughty, and full of mischief and they often  gang up on me. They are inseparable. They are fighting one minute and back to playing in no time.  They still include you in their conversations. But now they are aware that you passed away from cancer , and didn’t just go to the moon like we told them when they were toddlers.  They have been talking about your birthday all week. Thankfully, this year the children’s hospital is open to having your birthday celebrations. So we plan to have a luncheon tomorrow for the children and their families being treated on the pediatric cancer floor. Your  brothers  helped me assemble the goody bags and we will have cupcakes and lunch for everyone. Your Dada and I  are so grateful that the hospital is allowing it this year. 

At home your brothers , your Dada and I plan to celebrate  with pizza and and a lot of ice cream. We will visit that special shark themed ice cream shop that we believe you would have loved ! Dearest Zozo, know that you will be loved and missed immensely by all your loved ones today. And  love  you my baby girl ….as always …. to the moon and back.

 

8 Years Later

2020 has been an extremely challenging year, driven by a virus that has challenged the world in unprecedented ways, while at the same time giving it the opportunity to come together at least figuratively against a common enemy. This virus has brought global terrorism and blatant international animosity to a relative standstill (please note the word ‘relative’), because every country is too busy fighting it. Everything is a matter of perspective and this year while extremely challenging for humanity, has also been an incredible blessing of sorts. 2012 was a similar year for our family.

In 2012, we were hammered with Zoey’s passing, while being blessed on a multitude of fronts. Anay was born in 2012 and saved our family. Zoey’s tumor which ravaged her over a period of 4 months, could have had a longer tail to it and been debilitating to her on so many fronts. While the time we had with Zoey from diagnosis through her death was short, it was an incredible blessing that the tumor knocked her out before her everyday living became a significant challenge. That’s the beauty of the dualities in life isn’t it? Every challenge only makes us stronger, every rejection makes us celebrate an acceptance even more, and every loss makes a gain even more special.

In his book ‘Finding Chika’, which is about a little girl Chika who died of DIPG (Zoey had DIPG), the author Mitch Albom says, “There are many kinds of selfishness in this world, but the most selfish is hoarding time, because none of knowhow much we have, and it is an affront to God to assume there will be more.” That was Zoey’s greatest gift to us – a firm realization that all we have is right now. While some may say that thinking has taken away our ability to take the long view on life, I’d say it has given us the ability to celebrate and accept our present. To wake up every morning not knowing if it will be our last and ensuring that we give it our all. My day starts with giving the boys a kiss before I leave for work. The boys are always asleep when I leave (I leave very early), but that isn’t a deterrent. That’s how the day begins. They cuddle up with me for a story each night and tell their mom the best things about their day before they sleep. That’s how each day ends. I’d like to think of them as the perfect bookends to each day.

The fact of living our lives one day at a time may seem unrelatable to many, but personally it is a feeling of incredible freedom and peace. Knowing that each day can be begun with no what ifs from the prior day, is what personal freedom is all about. Freedom, peace, happiness…none of these can be found on the outside, they can only be experienced on the inside. We spend too much of our lives planning and then expecting our plans to come to fruition. Those expectations are the root cause of our unhappiness. Planning is good, but accept that plans can change, and that isn’t a bad thing. Appreciate that while we had a multitude of plans in 2020, the fact that we’re alive and reading this blog post is a blessing. Don’t get caught up in self-pity – it’s not worth it. Life is too short for that feeling. Life is about giving everything we do our best and then letting the universe determine the outcome. Life is about the moments when we can love and be loved. If you’ve got kids, kiss them, hold them, and tell them that nothing could be more important to you than them. I used to tell Anay and Hari that I loved them to infinity and back, but realized that they were too young to really contemplate the meaning of infinity. So now I tell them that I love them more than everything, which seems to be a lot easier for them to comprehend.

8 years later Zoey is an amazingly resilient part of our family conversations. Her brothers talk about her in their stories. She features in our kitchen calendar which has our family pictures. Zoey’s little ‘soccer ball’ (the name she gave Anay when Suman was pregnant) is growing up into a smart, thoughtful, and incredibly bull-headed boy. Hari, while having a very distinct personality is like her in so many ways, and some of the things he does can bring both a smile to our faces and tears in our eyes. These boys are inseparable and listening to their incessant chatter makes us constantly realize how incredibly bountiful God’s love has been and how blessed we are in this lifetime. Zoey has given us the ability to see life for what it is – a compilation of vignettes, each vignette a memory and a moment in time, and each with the ability to make us smile or cry, but also each with the ability to remind us of how great it is to love and be loved. And for giving us that incredible gift, Zoey…my love and always my number one…thank you. To those of you who’ve been reading Suman’s blogs and been on this journey with us…thank you. Please take care and stay safe.

Always,
Zoey’s Dad

Zoey with her Dada and Mama @ Sesame Place

Happy Birthday Teenager !

My dear Zoey, Happy thirteenth birthday! I can only imagine what a beautiful, kind and compassionate girl you would have turned out to be. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have you around the house …… The are so many instances when I find myself missing you immensely. Especially when I’m trying to get your brothers to listen to me. I don’t remember reprimanding you for anything ever. Maybe I’ve forgotten those times, but I remember you as this witty, smart little kid that mostly listened to what her parents had to offer. Well your brothers are a different story altogether. They both are naughty, and full of mischief.Their first response to anything I have to say is a resounding “no”. They really make every day extremely interesting and keep me on my toes :). I’m learning so much about parenting…. some days I still feel I’m a novice with your brothers. But it’s all OK. I know they love your Dada and I. They love each other and are absolutely inseparable. They are fighting one minute and back to playing in no time. They add so much joy to this household. Your Dada and I will forever be grateful to them for that.
Yesterday Anay asked me what we were going to do for your thirteenth birthday. I said due to the Coronavirus pandemic, the hospitals aren’t allowing any visitors this year. So we won’t be doing Zoey’s luncheon at the Children’s Hospital. Anay thought for a minute and asked “But Amma, what about cake?” I answered “Absolutely! We have a nice ice cream cake in the freezer. We can sing Zoey Akka her happy birthday song and cut cake on her special day”. To this your soccer ball replied “Yes Amma so what if she passed away, she still gets to have cake!”. I heard that and realized how fast your little baby brother was growing up. He had equated living on the moon to dying. Your dada and I have had conversations with him in the past about what it meant to live on the moon, but to see him understand it and accept it like that…. I truly felt proud of him. You would too. I know you already are so proud of both your little brothers.
So today, as your turn thirteen in an alternate universe, know that you will be missed immensely by all your loved ones. You will be thought of, sung to, and your Dada, your Mama and your baby brothers will be enjoying a good helping of ice cream cake in your memory.

Love you my baby girl ….as always …. to the moon and back.
Your darling mama

Zozo and I when she was three.

Love you so much.

Seven Years After Zoey

“There are many kinds of selfishness in this world, but the most selfish is hoarding time, because none of us know how much we have, and it is an affront to God to assume there will be more.” This is an excerpt from a book called Finding Chika by Mitch Albom. The book is beautifully written and is about his thoughts and perspectives, both before and after his little girl Chika was consumed by the same kind of brain tumor as Zoey, DIPG. I could relate to his feelings of despair and hopelessness which then transitioned to this overwhelming sense of gratitude that he was blessed to have been a part of her life. The excerpt though and the sentiment therein is the topic of this blog.

Tomorrow, November 25th is the seventh anniversary of Zoey’s passing. Over the years as I’ve reflected on her passing, there’s always a little bit of survivor’s guilt. Cremating a child before the parent shouldn’t be the natural order of things. That fleeting feeling of guilt though is rapidly replaced with the realization that while life is unpredictable, it is our duty to the Zoeys and Chikas of the world to make every day count. We are alive and with that comes the responsibility to be the best possible version of ourselves, to help others, to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and confidently answer the question “are you making a positive difference in another person’s life?” After all, isn’t that what living is all about? People who have had near-death experiences talk about a dispassionate assessment of one’s life as a part of their transition, where the question, “what did you do to improve the lives of others in this lifetime” is asked. In a materialistic world where we are consumed by our desires for ourselves and our family, would we be able to answer that question affirmatively as it pertains to others outside of our immediate circle?

The ancient Indian spiritual text Bhagavad Gita says “lift yourself by yourself” indicating that we have the God-given power to be anything we want to be and there should be no excuses. There can be no excuses that we are too busy going from one day to another, to not find the time to improve the lives of others. Living a mechanical life filled with fleeting experiences or one that is all about satisfying our own materialistic desires is not why we have been blessed to be born as humans. The blessing that is a human birth brings with it the responsibility to represent the best version of ourselves and humanity at large…and that means helping others. Don’t wait until tomorrow to do that, because tomorrow might never come. Any call to action is always about TODAY, because as Mitch eloquently puts it, thinking we have a tomorrow is an affront to God and the universe.

On a more personal note, seven years after Zoey’s passing, I’m sitting in the basement writing this blog with two absolutely adorable and extremely loud little boys playing around me. They hear about their sister Zoey all the time and continue to include her in their hand-drawn pictures of our family. She’s still their big sister on the moon protecting them. Zoey may not be here in person, but will always be an intricate part of our lives and our thinking. There isn’t a single day that goes by when Suman and I don’t reflect on what our lives would be like if Zoey were alive today. We were, are and will always be extremely blessed to be able to call ourselves Zoey’s mom and dad.

Always,
Zoey’s Dad

Dora the Explorer (Halloween 2009)

Girls night out with Mommy

First day of school

It’s the first week of September and Zoey’s brothers started a new academic school year this week. Our baby of the family started kindergarten, while the older one entered first grade. The little one was super excited to join his brother on that school bus. The older one held his hand and walked him to his kindergarten classroom 😊. The boys were excited about their new backpacks, water bottles , lunchboxes etc. We took the customary first day pictures and shared them with both sets of grandparents and all their loved ones. And yes, we did miss our baby girl immensely. See, all the happiness and joy we experience with these “firsts” are always laced with a tinge of sadness … it’s a reminder that our baby girl never got on that school bus. She never got to experience that first day of school. If she were alive, she would be all of 12 years …Not sure what a 12 year old would do on the first day of school. I’m not even sure what grade a 12 year old should be in ? While we were waiting with other families for the bus to arrive, I realized Zoey wasn’t even mentioned once this morning …. sigh ! That is the nature of our existence. To the outside world we will always appear as this “normal” happy family of four. Our first-born will not be known unless we decide to bring her up in a conversation. And these days I don’t do that very often. It’s just a coping mechanism to avoid the awkward pause that follows thereafter.

So after the boys went to school, I went about my day feeling a bit lost and wondering whether this will ever get better. I desperately needed a sign from my Zoey. The boys returned from school happy and chattering about their first day experiences. I heard about their new teachers, new routine, lunch buddies etc. In the evening we decided to visit the local library as they wanted to exchange some books and play in the kids play area. At the library, in the kids book section, the following book caught my attention. Book titled “The Beautiful Moon”.

That very instant I knew that was my baby girl. I picked that book and sat there reading it. Tears streaming down my eyes, it confirmed my thoughts.
The book is about this little boy who prays every night before going to bed. He sends his prayers to the moon to heal the sick, to provide food and shelter to the homeless and to take care of all his loved ones. It is very special book and I felt it was hand picked by my kind and compassionate daughter for her darling brothers. Such a beautiful and apt book! So that night before going to bed, I sat between these boys and read this book out loud to them. They listened intently and asked questions about sick and the hungry in the world. They listened to me as I explained to them what it meant to help others in need. And finally before sleeping, they blew good night kisses to Zoey and to the moon. Such a perfect ending to a perfect first day! Isn’t it ? And as their mom I realized I couldn’t have asked for anything more!

Thank you my dearest, my darling,my sweetest baby girl ! You always find ways to connect with me when I seem to need it the most. And as always, love you to moon and back.

You loving mama.
Picture of our ever dancing Zoey

Ever dancing Zoey…. our ballerina

The family bed

It’s been ages since I have written here. What can I say. Life has gotten  in the way. Nevertheless decided to make some time and write this morning. It’s June 2019 ..Hari is 5 , Anay is 6 and a half, and my Zoey would have turned 12 next week. To the outside world, we continue to function as a this ‘normal’ family of four. However Zoey continues to be missed by her dada and I …. she is constantly in our thoughts. Missing her and longing for her, has become this integral part of my being. It doesn’t take away from the joy and happiness I experience everyday and I truly feel blessed to have Zoey’s dad, brothers and her loved ones, in my life. However the void she has left behind, the sadness, and the unending grief remains ….. and it will continue to remain until the end of time.

Miss you Zozo

Recently, our  little family crossed a  major milestone. Zoey’s brothers decided it was time to start sleeping in their own room for the night. For most families this is just a natural progression in their child’s life. For Karthik and I this is a big deal. See when Zoey was here, she occupied prime real estate on our bed. She slept between Karthik and I  for all of her short life. She never ever left it. We tried to have sleep in her own room after she turned 5, however, it didn’t go too well. She clearly wasn’t ready to sleep all night, by herself in her own room. So after one unsuccessful attempt we gave in and she reclaimed her place back in our bed. After that she never left …..

So as Zoey’s brothers came into our lives, we decided they will be in our room as long as they want. They slept in between Karthik and I for most of their toddler years. When they got bigger and we couldn’t all fit on one bed, we bought  little little cots for them and placed them in our room. This was much easier on us, especially  when they woke up, we could pat them right back to sleep. They felt safe and slept peacefully and happily in our room. However when Zoey’s soccer ball turned 6 last year, he finally started asking for his own room. The irony is that while he was ready for this natural next step, his dad and I weren’t. We needed our kids to be with us at night. We stalled … giving excuses of how much we will miss him at night etc. However my boy had out-grown his little cot and he was really looking forward to being independent 😊. So we reluctantly let both the boys sleep by themselves one night. Surprisingly this time around, the transition was really  smooth. No resistance, no tears and no coming back to our bed in the middle of night. They seem to play and chat with each other, before falling asleep every night. I on the other hand, am still getting used this new reality. Getting our own room and bed back after nearly 11 years of sharing it with little people 😊. It’s a change that I am still getting used to.

I decided to share all this on Zoey’s blog, in hope of helping other parents out there. Parents that are trying to sleep-train their toddlers. Parents that have “had it” with kids waking them the millionth time in the middle of night. Parents that haven’t slept through the night for years. I know I’ve been there. Every time you feel you can’t take it anymore, think about this parent that would give her life to have her child snuggled up in her bed. It will hopefully give you a whole new perspective on what’s important in life. (Not that your sanity and sleep are less important). Know that eventually your child will grow out of their sleeping habits and demand  to be more independent. It will happen, it’s only a matter of time. Till then enjoy the little moments, the kisses , the snuggles and the extra long sleepless nights 🙂

Zoey with her dada and I during her last week …..

The Miracle of Zoey

It was Christmas yesterday. Like every year Zoey’s little brothers came running down the stairs to a plethora of gifts underneath the Christmas tree. Like every year, presents were exchanged and we made the customary phone calls back home to wish and thank grand-parents. Karthik and I felt blessed to have witnessed yet another joyful Christmas. Our 7th without our Zoey.

The reason is I write today isn’t about Christmas or the holiday season. After a lot of contemplation, I decided to write about a miracle that Karthik and I witness almost everyday and sometimes multiple times a day.

As many of you may already know the boys have been told that their Zoey Akka lives on the moon and visits them during the night in their dreams. They truly believe that and include her in almost everything they do. But our littlest ( Hari ) is something else. There are so many instances he will include Zoey like she is right here amongst us physically.

For example last morning Karthik was hugging the boys in bed and wishing them a Merry Christmas. Here’s the conversation between the three of them:
Karthik: “Merry Christmas Anay !”
Anay: “Merry Christmas Appa !”
Karthik: “Merry Christmas Hari!”
Hari replied back smiling:”Merry Christmas Akka!”
Karthik and I immediately understood, their Zoey Akka was right there wishing them as well.

Zoey always addressed Karthik as “Dada”. This is something she picked up as a baby, right from the time she learned to speak. So when these boys were little, Karthik insisted he be called “Appa” (instead of Dada) . He wanted to reserve that title only for his baby girl. While Anay calls his dad “Appa”, with an occasional “Daddy” thrown in sometimes, his little brother is a different story all together. He will insist on calling his dad “Dada”. He hasn’t heard his brother or any of us use the word at home. Yet somehow he manages to address Karthik as “Dada”. Whenever I hear him say the word, I consider it a clear sign from our baby girl and a testament to her undying spirit.

The other day we were driving to a water park that Zoey once loved. The last time we visited this place, it was with her. So Karthik and I were obviously feeling a bit nostalgic about making this trip with the boys. On the way to the water park I told the boys “You know your Akka was also 4 years old when we visited the Great Wolf Lodge Resort “. To that my Hari answered on his own “Yes Amma , Swami (God) wanted her so she had to go back……But I see Zoey right here.” Fighting back tears I asked him where do you see her? And he replied simply “Right here in my heart”. Such an innocent and true answer that is. Yes my dear Hari, Zoey will remain in the hearts of her loved ones forever!

There are several such instances when Hari will say something out of the blue, and it will feel like my Zoey is talking to me. Yes some of it can be attributed to genetics. And some of it may be because this bereaved mom is always longing for her baby girl. What the heart desires the eyes see. Also in so many ways Hari is his own person. He has his own cute individual traits and personality. However his kindness and compassion can only be attributed to the purity of his beautiful soul. He will have been sick to his stomach and will ask for water in the middle of the night, and when offered, he will still manage to say thank you to you. Every day, sometimes multiple times a day he will hug me tight and say “Thank you for being my mommy”. Every time he does that I get humbled by his amazing attitude of gratitude. Such a beautiful reminder to us adults, to count our blessings and always be grateful for what we have!

So, as the year is coming to an end, I’d like to thank all our readers here. The time you spend to read about our journey, is something I will always remain grateful for. This blog has helped me grieve in so many ways. It has helped me keep my Zoey’s memories alive. And that is the best gift any bereaved parent could ask for.
Thank you once again. As we head into the new year, we wish all of you a happy, healthy and blessed 2019 !

Christmas 2018

Our darling baby girl

Love,
Zoey’s mom

Six Years Later

Today is November 25th again and it’s been 6 years since Zoey’s passing. The years with Zoey were beautiful and while the time since that fateful day in 2012 have been challenging, they have also been incredibly beautiful in their own way thanks to Zoey’s brothers (Anay & Hari). We are extremely blessed parents for having had the privilege of Zoey in our lives for 5.5 years and now these boys ever since.

The conventional wisdom is that “time heals”. Not quite sure what that mean. If “healing” means not feeling the pain…then no we haven’t healed. If it means that our pain management techniques are now more refined and we have a progressively better approach to handling the pain…then yes…time has definitely been a healer. There isn’t a day that goes by when we don’t wonder what life would be like if Zoey were still alive today. It is almost surreal that she was with us all those years and then suddenly isn’t. These thoughts of Zoey bring with them a flood of feelings and memories. Suman and I have found our own ways to deal with these feelings and the question of “why us” that invariably resurfaces. What is consistent in our approach though is that we end up hugging the boys tighter and cuddling them even more because we know how fleeting these moments of physical togetherness can be.

As I reflect back on these last 6 years, I truly believe that we have handled ourselves in line with Zoey’s expectations. Suman was an incredible mom to Zoey and as I watch her with the boys, I feel an overwhelming sense of pride. If it’s even possible, she loves them more and harder than ever before. Maybe the impermanent nature of these relationships is the driving force, but their two little faces just light up when their mom is around. I can almost picture Zoey in their midst beaming with pride and joining in the cuddling. My inward journey in the post-Zoey era was of her choosing and my continued spiritual progress albeit one step at a time cannot be a disappointment to her. My book that was released earlier this year was dedicated to her and I know that as my guide she will be right by my side on this inward journey. Suman and my greatest success though, is keeping Zoey alive in our home as a thriving member of our family. The boys talk about her all the time. They’ve been told that she lives on the moon and have completely embraced that message. When they draw our family, it is always a 5-person family unit. Their role-playing games include her as do their stories. Each night when the moon comes up, our youngest who is now 4.5 gets super excited about the fact that his sister is awake and watching him now. As the boys grow older, keeping her alive in their minds and in how they view our family will require us to be extremely creative…but we’re looking forward to the challenge.

Over these last 6 years, you have been a part of our journey as well, via Suman’s blog posts and more recently as readers of my book. For that we are incredibly grateful to you. As we’ve shared our journey with you, the hope is that it has helped you in some small measure as well to understand that life is for living and not for getting overwhelmed by certain life events. There are no good events or bad events, there are just events…they are good or bad based on how we perceive them and our attitude towards them. Embrace whatever life throws your way as a blessing because even the toughest situations will only make you stronger. We could choose to focus on Zoey’s death, yet we choose to focus on her life…and we have been afforded no greater privilege in this lifetime than to be called Zoey’s Mom and Dad.

Love,
Zoey’s Dad

Zoey and her Dada in Barcelona in November 2011.

Our darling

First day of Kindergarten

Today was special. Today Karthik and I were able to send one of our children on that school bus to kindergarten. It took such an effort to get here, but we finally did it. We officially have a kindergartener … Zoey’s soccer-ball, our darling son, Anay, has finally started a new chapter (uncharted territory for his parents) of his life. However it took forever to get here.

As most you may already know, with our first-born, we didn’t get to see this day. Zoey’s dad took her to the hospital to get her radiation mask fitted, on what was supposed to be her first day at school. I still remember making that call to the school nurse to let her know about Zoey’s diagnosis….
Zoey had been very excited about starting at her “big girl” school. So we told her she was so smart and intelligent that she didn’t need to attend kindergarten. She would directly be promoted to first grade. Frankly, while that was a blatant lie told to keep our princess happy, there was some truth to it. Zoey was way ahead of her years in every aspect I can think of.
She went to visit her kindergarten class once that fall …..the rest is history.

See the thing about having more kids (after losing a child), is that, it gives you a reason to survive a loss as colossal as this. You just have to wake up every morning and get going. You don’t have a choice. It doesn’t lessen the grief or pain you experience. However it also gives you a another take at life. Another opportunity to experience missed milestones.

So as Zoey’s little brother got ready to start kindergarten, Karthik and I tried to keep all our hopes to ourselves. If we were destined to see this day we would. However as the summer started winding down, this “big” milestone in our son’s life was blatantly staring right at us. As his first day of school approached we started talking to him about it. We went to the orientation session over summer, had done the trial bus ride, did the usual back-to-school shopping for school bags, shoes etc. However as the days went by, we still had this nagging feeling of “what if something were to happen again”.

As luck would have it Anay fell sick right before the slated first day. He had a viral infection and was down with usual fever, cold and cough ( the works). Yes a minor ailment as compared to something as grave as cancer. And yes as the universe would want it, even he missed his “first” day of Kindergarten (which was actually last week). To say that I wasn’t disappointed or angry at how things turned out would be a lie. I felt cheated all over again. But it also got me thinking… Do we give these milestones like first day of school more importance than needed. Especially in this age of social media with all the lovely back-to-school pics flooding my news feed…. was I getting carried away unnecessarily. I am not trying to offend anyone here. I absolutely loved seeing all the pics of children on their first day and could relate to every bit of pride experienced by the parents. I am all about sharing and celebrating positive things on social media. However it did get me thinking of a time when there was no social media. Like the time we grew up in. I don’t remember our parents making a big deal of going back to school after summer. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me it’s Ok if Anay missed his “first” day. The day he actually starts going to school would be his first anyway. And that day was today. Full 3 days after school officially reopened. He is still a kindergartener, and frankly if you ask him he loved the TLC ( tender loving care ) he received at home last week. He loves being at home with me, his dad and his brother and any chance he gets to do that, brings a huge smile to his face. He truly did not “miss” anything by staying at home on the “slated” first day.

Nevertheless, today was a big day for our boy. He is a kindergartener. And Karthik and I will forever remain grateful to the universe for allowing it happen.

To my darling Zoey, I missed you so much today. If you were here with us you would have held his hand and would have guided him as he got on to that bus. However, I do take some peace in knowing that you right there with him in your own special way.
You can never leave him and will always be his guardian angel.
Love you my dearest ….
Your loving mom

My Pre-k graduate princess